An 11 month old Hazel

The last two weeks have turned my baby into a new child. She suddenly started sprouting hair like weeds, adding tons of new words, eating meals and not sleeping. She is pulling up on things then letting go to stand, or squatting down to sit instead of falling. She is interacting with her sisters like never before and sometimes wants nothing to do with me when they are around. She mimics them choking, laughing and chewing and watches their every move.

She has started saying "Uh Oh!" and holding her arms up with her version of "so big." She says "more" at meals and "peek a boo." She waves hello and bye bye, sometimes blow kisses, and regularly leans in to give them open mouthed.

Hazel had her first big beach vacation and loved the water and the sand, and that mama let her nurse all night long since we all shared a room. Since being home, sleep has been interrupted as we attempt to reset to her normal schedule. Naps are a challenge as well as she only wants to sleep in my arms in the rocking chair in her room. Nothing else will do :/

Most days she nurses three or four times a day; morning, before afternoon nap, and at bedtime generally. As we started introducing more foods she hasn't been as interested and my body must have been ready because I haven't had any oversupply issues. No plans for pushing her to wean, just follow her needs.

There have not been any foods that she has not liked so far. I am not following any schedule just giving her whatever we are eating and she seems to love it.

Her first birthday is fast approaching and it never fails to amaze me just how quickly the first year flies by. With both Lucy and Vada I was either pregnant or hoping to become pregnant which seemed to soften the blow. I am neither this time around and the thought of my littlest turning a year is heartwrenching. She has brought so much joy and additional love into our family and will forever be my rainbow baby.

I love you so Hazel Magnolia.

To Vada Belle on your 3rd Birthday

 

My beautiful, wild Vada. I found a quote once that sums up being your mother perfectly; 

"She is delightfully chaotic; a beautiful mess. Loving her is a splendid adventure." 

-Steve Maraboli-

Daddy and I watched you one day trying to sit on the couch and watch a movie with your sister. You could not, not move for longer than 3 seconds. Your energy is limitless, only matched by the love that pours from you. You are a wonderful sister, easily manipulated by your older sister but happy to do whatever she asks. You are sweet and sensitive to your baby sister. You give her kisses and hugs to the point of suffocation and are at her side whenever she cries. You love your daddy most of all right now. I snuggled into you this morning and whispered I love you and you replied by saying "I love daddy. When will he be home?" Every night at bedtime you two snuggle together after books. But I know you love me. The way you still ask to be held. When you snuggle up to me on the couch. When you offer treats to me without me having to ask. The way you will do gladly do any chore that I am if it means we are working on something together. 

The fire inside you is consuming. You are either all love or pure hell. You scream at the drop of a hat when things don't go your way. Head thrown back, mouth wide open with all your little teeth showing, and the lungs of an opera singer. The comfort is knowing that no one will push you to do anything you don't want. You will not be defeated. And your voice will be heard.

You love your baby dolls and never go to sleep without at least three in your bed and one tucked into the doll bed beside you. 

Our Vada...

• sounds like champ from anchorman when she says chicken
• could already be offered a contract with SNL on your facial expressions alone
• tells me she just needs to go to the beach and eat pizza
• refuses to wear anything but a dress 
• asks for breakfast as soon as her eyes open in the morning
• sings "let it go" over and over and over and over and over in the car; not the song, just that one line
• favorite color is purple; TV show is Sophia; animal is butterfly
• swims only by moving her legs, no arms required. Your swim teacher just threw goggles on you and taught you how to swim underwater.
• asks me if I could have another hazel baby in my belly
• is afraid of heights but in the last three weeks tells me "see I am not afraid anymore!"
• has an extraordinary vocabulary and has been asking to go to school for over a year
• shakes her head side to side when she runs, presumably feeling the full bounce of her curls
• was told she is pure muscle by the pediatrician

You asked for a mermaid party for your birthday but totally blanked out whenever people asked you what you wanted for presents. Nana finally thought to ask you if you want something or something to do and of course you wanted something to do. You always want to go and ask me every morning where we get to go today. You have actually cried in the car when I tell you we are heading home, several times.

I cannot wait to see what this next year has in store for you my love. I know that you will blossom at school. I am eager to see the friends you make, the things that interest you, how you learn to harness all that energy and fire. You are my adventure and being your mom makes me realize I have no idea what I am doing with this motherhood thing, but I know you will love me anyway. Thank you Vada, for pushing your daddy and I to our limits and showing us just how much we can squeeze out of every day. Happy 3rd Birthday Vada Belle. 

Hazel lately

Hazel is now 9 and a half months old, and not a baby at all. She is a crawling, teething, ball of fire who has discovered both mobility and her temper.

• 6 teeth 
• has said "mum" "up" and "uh oh"
• still sleeps well at night, but only naps if she is being held or in the car
• nurses on demand, but did go 7 hours in between when I was out one day. some finger food. one week of eating at every meal but she quickly lost interest.
• my first baby that does a traditional crawl to get around
• pulling up to standing on furniture
• loves the water/pool/bath
• likes to play peek a boo, clap her hands and bounce to music
• pretends to blow on peoples faces
• gives kisses and hugs
• makes duck lips while snorting through her nose

Hazel at 8 (and a half) Months

Bittersweet. The last month and a half has brought about many changes for our baby girl. Pleasant as ever, despite sprouting her first two teeth down bottom. She has started interacting so much more with her sisters and now can be just as mouthy as the other two. She talks, sings, growls like a monster, and practices octaves. She is no longer stationary; rolling, twisting and pushing herself around to wherever she wants to be. She looks like she may take off crawling any minute and has also started pulling up on things. She is obsessed with food despite my efforts to prolong solids and has tried a handful of new fruits and vegetables. I guess I should take her cues and really start letting her feed herself. She is giving kisses and saying "Mama," getting into things, and perfecting the fake cough and laugh. She is a ham. Nursing has become more like wrestling as she tries to fill her belly while also grabbing her toes, pushing off my chest and watching her sisters.

Any sort of parenting advice I researched with both Lucy and Vada has gone out the window. With Lucy it was "introducing food" charts, keeping track of milestones and working to get her to sleep through the night. It was swim classes and perfectly matched outfits from hat down to shoes. Hazel is typically in an oversized, tie-dye t-shirt being laid down in her crib wide awake to take a three hour nap or sleep through the night. I haven't cracked a "what to expect" book since I was pregnant with Vada and have no recollection whether peas or green beans should be introduced first. She is my carefree, take it as it comes, along for the ride angel baby.

Again, as always with me, it's the small things that choke me up. Putting her in a bath seat for the first time meant not knowing it was the last time she was in the baby tub. Packing away yet another tote of clothes she has outgrown and seeing the physical evidence of her growing up. Lucy pointed out that soon she will need a toothbrush too and helps me remember to now pack a sippy cup for Hazel in the diaper bag. She is generally out of the moby or sling and sitting in the cart with her sisters. She's turning towards a dinner plate and away from my chest. She is doing exactly what she should be, according to her.

Life Lately

L: obsessed with legos; only wants to wear summer clothes; steals my phone in the mornings to lay in bed and watch play-doh videos; unicorn lover; surprisingly artistic; swings herself; wants to be 5 not 4; probable future party planner as she is always concerned with seating for people; her mind is a steal trap

V: only wears dress up costumes; shakes her head to get curls out of her eyes; ice cream lover; screamer; daddy's girl; had markers banned; and now stickers too; twirls on one foot to the music; told me she just wants to go to the beach and eat pizza

H: bubble blower; heart warmer; learned to shriek; rocks forward and back when sitting on the floor; pooped on the potty; giving kisses; drinking from a straw; working on a first tooth

J: providing in so many ways; building his garage; juggling work, home, and himself; obsessed with the garden seedlings; job searching; weekend breakfast maker; possibly buying chickens; the one who can fix all to his daughters; the one I long for during long work weeks

M: rejuventated by spring; cut hair above shoulders; focused on creating home; afternoon tea lover; cooking more vegetarian meals by the day; researching homes and jobs in warmer climates; considering what the new legislation on midwifery care means for her future; memories documenter

Hazel at 7 Months

This past month was a big one for Miss Hazel. Sitting up, a tooth bump, a few new foods, giving kisses, and a first Easter were all checked off the to-dos. Add in some toe grabbing and lots and lots of silly mouth/lip noises and that completes our accomplishments.

Hazel continues to be the easiest, most laid back, content, and overall joyful baby I have ever witnessed. Teething has caused a couple of days of "fussiness" (read: she may have whined twice) but the white bump on her lower gum line is sure to be breaking through any day now. An amber teething necklace seems to be helping a lot and she will gnaw on anything she can get her hands on, favorite being an apple core. 

Speaking of food, I am lazy about it. She has tried avocado, sweet potato, banana, pumpkin and apples so far and that is it. I don't think she is lacking in nutrition at all and most of the time I just smoosh the above foods when I fix them for the rest of us. Poor third child. I have yet to puree a single thing for her but am planning on doing some blends to put in those food pouches when I get around to it because when it comes to food, little miss wants to do it herself. She grabs the spoon when we feed her or holds the apple core all herself. We have tried a sippy cup a few times but she was seriously offended by the water we offered and only slightly more interested when I put breastmilk in there. 

Hazel stills sleeps like an angel and generally sleeps from between 7-8 at night to 5-6 the next morning. She prefers one long morning nap in her crib and a few little naps in the afternoon in my arms. At night time she just wants to be laid down and if she fusses at all, its only until we shut the door. 

With Hazel now sitting up and playing, her older sisters are even more interested in interacting with her. They will play toys and just the other day I walked in to see they had included her in playing dress up and put a costume on her. They are always diligent about picking up things that are too tiny and ensuring whatever she has is safe to chew on. They crawl in her crib when they hear her wake up and blow as many raspberries on her belly as allowed when I change her clothes. She makes all of us laugh. 

 Jameson and I look at each other almost every day and say "This child is not real." She is exactly what people think of when they think they want a baby. She smiles at everyone, lets anyone hold her, and lights up when you give her attention. Every single day with her is a pleasure and I truly get upset the (one) night a week when I have to leave her and she's already asleep when I get back. She is not factored into "getting a break" because she is a joy to take anywhere. I am forever grateful to be able to spend every day with her and for the chance to be her mom. 

                                      

"You are my angel, my darling, my star, and my love will follow wherever you are."

Devils Advocate

*Sidenote: It seems slightly wrong to label this post as I did on Good Friday but we're going to go with it...

It seems lately there have been a lot of negative articles and comments discussing the prevalence of social media in our lives. I wholeheartedly agree that there is a time and place for it and that being on your phone or even having it accessible 100% of the time is not good for anyone. I try very hard to not be playing on my phone when the girls are awake or when Jameson and I finally get a quiet minute at the end of the day. I have seen first hand how rude and callous people can be and the hurt people can unknowingly inflict through a misspoken comment, status, or share. I too have seen the overshares, the airing of dirty laundry and the intentional digs.

BUT...

I also see an immense amount of loveliness. I see beautiful babies and children every time I am on my phone. I see inspiring quotes and stories that sound all too familiar to mine. I try new recipes and restaurants, hear new music, catch up on news and see other people finding the beauty in their everyday.

By far the most lovely thing is connecting. I don't get out much. Being home with three little girls everyday leaves little time for chatting with other women and friends. Through social media, I have been able to interact with high school friends and other acquaintances that otherwise I never would. Sure some of it is purely entertainment but it's the private messages that get me. In a very closed off and private world, to have someone else to talk to about where you are in life is truly beautiful to me. To ask advice, to share stories, to know what's really going on with someone else. It connects me to them in my uninterrupted moments when I can be open and honest, and form complete sentences.

I have no illusions that we are doing things perfectly, or even correctly. What works for us will not work for another family. But I put it out there. Maybe some think I share too much, but that is not my intention. I offer transparency and hope to encourage people in what they are doing themselves. We are all learning and the honesty can be enlightening.

So today I am thankful, for Facebook and Instagram and Pinterest and Blogger. For having conversations with people I haven't in years. For the opportunity to document and share our families story. For the link to the outside world it provides to me in my sometimes very isolating calling. For being an open book and having others feel they can ask me anything. I am choosing to see the good.

The missing one

This post is going to be brutally honest, and open, and it is going to hurt, both to write and to read. For some reason I am in a place of reflection, of looking back, of bringing up memories. I am flipping through old pictures of my babies and rereading blog posts and letting myself go back to other days. And while it's beautiful, it's innocence is alarming to me now. Maybe Lucy's fourth birthday on Sunday is the reason for the place I am in. But I am going to open it up and leave it here because it's haunting my present.



Someone is missing from my family. My brother. It will be 5 years this July. It doesn't "get better". I never understood how or why people say that. How can losing a brother ever "get better." He is gone and we are all still here. But there are more of us now. There are 3 nieces and a nephew that won't know Uncle Brady. They will know who he is, and what he looks like. But they will never hear his laugh, or feel first hand the pride he had in our family. They won't get a big bear hug every time they see him like we did. They'll never have a telephone call answered with "Home of the whopper. What's your beef?" Or hear him talk about how hooked on phonics worked for him. They won't get to ask him what all of his tattoos said or why he never worried about how they would look when he got old. I can't even think about it for his children. His son is 11 and his daughter 7.

There is a song by the Black Keys that Jameson warned me about after he died. It's called unknown brother.

Though I've never met you

And we've spoke not a word

I'll never forget you

Through the stories that I've heard

For you, unknown brother

My baby's mother's in pain

'Cause your soul is in heaven

But your memory remains

Unknown, unknown brother

I'll meet you someday

Unknown, unknown brother

We'll walk through fields where children play

Your eyes shined bright

When you were a kid

Your sisters loved you

And all that you did

Big brother, big brother

Don't worry a bit

Your flame has not faded

Since the day it was lit

Your life was joy

You're mama's only boy

And when the skies are blue

Big brother they're blue for you

We'll smile at pictures

Of you as a boy

Before you retire

To heavenly joy

Unknown, unknown brother

I'll meet you someday

Unknown, unknown brother

We'll walk through fields where children play

So while looking back, I found this photo. Every other time I have seen it, I just remember what happened to break the bouncing bench and how we all laughed. Until this last time. I know this particular moment was just when the photographer happened to hear the crack and turn around to snap. But it's so much more than that. You can't see his face, just know that he was there. All you can see of him, is him walking away, drink in hand. He left his mark, literally. But the rest of us remain. With a smile, and a laugh, and a "can you believe that happened!" 

To Lucille on your 4th Birthday

My favorite pictures of you at 3

My lovely Lucille. You, my darling, are incredible. You are wise beyond your years, funny beyond your understanding, and beautiful beyond comparison. You will, and do, run the world. You forget nothing and remember every detail of any experience or any promise someone has made to you. You never stop talking and often can't get the words out as quickly as you are thinking them. While engaged in one thing you are thinking of a million others, as well as what everyone else should be doing. You are a classic first child and will always be a wonderful leader and example to your younger sisters.

So, for your birthday this year we had a bowling party. You had the hardest time deciding to do that or have a party at home, all because of a hang-up over a unicorn pinata. You could not be convinced that Mama and Daddy would take care of all your wishes because you were not involved in the planning of every.single. detail. You requested roasted lamb with garlic and rosemary as well as braised kale for your dinner. And you made us sing you Happy Birthday twice at breakfast, once for each serving of popover, and twice at your party, once for cake and again for ice cream. All you wanted was legos. And, of course, you got your unicorn pinata.

You had a lot of turmoil about turning four. For months leading up to your birthday you had been anticipating the things you would do once you were four; get your ears pierced, wipe your own bum, etc. As the day drew closer you got more and more anxious and we had to assure you that nothing had to change. The pressure you put on yourself is more than anyone could ever put upon you. You strive for excellence, which is why you often lose your temper, much like your father. I guess it will be our job to encourage without pushing, and to help you relax and accept help along the way.

You told me the other day that when you get older you want to work for Hospice, like Duck does, so you can help people. I have no doubt my dear.

Right now, you have a hard time doing anything without Vada. You are each others best friend and worst enemy. So you BOTH will start school in the fall. Anytime anyone asks you about it, you make sure to clarify that you will be on one side of the building but Vada will be on the other. She is your confidence and pushes you to do things that normally make you uncomfortable. But you are brave my love, so brave. I know school scares you. It scares Mama too. We have spent every day together since you were born. But the truth is, you deserve more. You deserve to learn as much as you can take in, but that Mama can't keep up with. You deserve to make friends. You deserve to be a leader and to teach as you learn. You teach me how to be better every day.

I didn't cry on your birthday this year. You are unlike any other child of any age I know so you turning 4 didn't cause much heartache. But then, I thought about all the time that you and I spent in that white rocking chair. And how every single day since the day you were born, you and I rocked in it at least twice a day at nap and bedtime. And how I don't even remember our last rock. It was the everyday act that I never took for granted. And it's over. Yes, it got a little awkward towards the end, attempting to wrap your spindley legs around me somehow, your head almost in my chin. We rocked both your sisters as they grew in my belly with us. We rocked through late nights, early mornings, sickness, apologies on both sides, and endless discussions about 2-4 year old life. I need to do a better job at creating these moments again. As you get older and understand more and more I know the questions will get more and more difficult, the apologies even bigger. But I never want to lose those opportunities. One of the things that weighs heaviest on my mind as I think about you 3 getting older is how to remain necessary. Not in a clingy sense of the word, but in a way where you will always need your mom.

Being your mother has been the most emotionally and mentally challenging thing I have yet to encounter. You do not let me rest, and you do not let me settle. I am a better woman for what you have done to me. I make so many mistakes and unfortunately you will bear the heaviest consequences of those mistakes as you are the oldest. But it means you will learn the most forgiveness. I will face things for the first time with you, for the rest of our lives.

Keep pushing me my love. I will try to keep up.

All my love,
Mama

Your first picture at 4

Half of nothing

Hazel turned 6 months old this past weekend. Getting past that sentence to write an actual post about her has taken days. This child has me captivated. I am anxious and nostalgic. She makes me want a thousand more babies just like her and not even one more because she is my baby.

Six months is big. It is as if everything is just coasting along with a "new" baby in the family and within a week I am planning her baptism, swapping out car seats, buying bibs and sippy cups, catching her from falling backwards when she sits up, and trying to make her as comfortable as possible while teething. Wait, hold up, weren't you just in newborn clothing a week ago? Now I have three kids who need food?

Much to my dismay, Miss Hazel is super interested in food. It started with the occasional lip smacking during our meals but turned into straight obsession when she started following the food from our plate to our mouths. So, last night she got roasted sweet potato. And she loved it. Her smile spread from ear to ear as she saw her sisters watching her do what they were doing. And then my heart just shattered on the floor. And I immediately nursed her.

But the truth is, she wants in. She wants to be eating and moving and laughing and rolling around with her sisters. When I hold her she lunges forward towards them. She sleeps through the night and sometimes just wants to be laid down to stretch out by herself. She sits up and looks out the window in the car. She is reaching for EVERYTHING! I no longer have to worry about leaving her with her dad for two hours since they discovered Cheers! together. Evidently, when I am gone, all it takes is the theme song to send her to lala land and I come home to her passed out on her daddy. She is killing me gently.

Hazel Magnolia, I don't know what you have done to your mother but I am entranced. I will do my best to help you learn and grow and blossom while simultaneously choking back tears. You have been nothing but pure joy since your first day here and all of your family is completely in love. You make everyone around you smile and just feel good. You are sunshine my love.

Ordinary

      More snow is expected tonight, meaning yet another snow day tomorrow. I am not a fan of winter in the least and certainly not a fan of weather this cold for this long. Yes, it is easy to get down being overwhelmed and exhausted in single digit weather with double digit snow predictions. But while I was contemplating another day of being housebound with 3 children, a new perspective presented itself. Honestly, the snow doesn't change much for us. We are in this amazing stage of our family's life where we get to decide how every moment of every day is spent. Obviously Jameson has work, but the demands of a working mom, school, sports and other obligations have not yet been introduced to our little family. And while some days it would be nice to have something on the calendar, truthfully we are all pretty content with this season of calm. I have never been one to want to be home all the time. I like going out and being out. Even after Lucy and Vada, I would try to get us out of the house every day. But that has completely changed since having Hazel. I don't know if its the work of getting three little girls and myself fed, dressed and out the door or the sense of peace I now feel with where our family is. The girls don't seem to mind either. This morning I got all of us showered/ bathed and told them to go pick out clothes so we could head to the library. I walked in their room to find them dressed in fresh pajamas asking to just stay home. So, we did.

Some days I wake up wondering how to fill an entire day of nothing planned. I get exhausted from the amount of effort it takes, both mentally and physically, to keep up with these little ladies. Thinking of 3 meals plus snacks, a new way of working on letters and numbers, crafts, activities, and then the resulting clean up. I am mom, teacher, artist, cook, maid, clown, nurse, stylist, coach and referee. But not forever. This will be the only time in our life that three kids are all still home full time with me. Lucy and Vada are enrolled in preschool for the fall and our whole world will shift. Our days will be mapped out for us and soon revolve around drop off and pick up. How will we feel then? Will we miss these days? The days of snuggling in pajamas, making anything we want for breakfast no matter how time consuming, and just being home. The days of anytime-at-all baths, dance parties, book reading, block building, hot gluing, pedicures, and cookie baking.

A quote that I read a while ago has been on the forefront of my mind daily during this winter lull. "I love that you keep getting up to the same routine every day and somehow manage to make it a different memory by each night." My girls won't remember this time. They will see it in the millions of photos I have of them in pajamas, snuggling each other in the early morning. They will hear about it when they have their own babies and wonder how they can face another day of being a full time home mom, if they choose to do so. Most importantly, I hope they feel it. I hope these slow, lazy days have taught them the beauty of being content in everyday life. That everyday may not be exciting and adventurous but that it is ok. I hope the bond that they have formed being together every minute of every day as babies and toddlers carries them through their teenage rifts. I hope they know without a doubt  how deeply I felt I was exactly where I wanted to be, doing exactly what I wanted to do, and the sacrifices their daddy made in making it happen. That, evidently, in choosing to be a stay at home mom, I was choosing the magic of the ordinary.

"Do not ask your children to strive for extraordinary lives. Such striving may seem admirable, but it is the way of foolishness. Help them instead to find the wonder and the marvel of an ordinary life. Show them the joy of tasting tomatoes, apples, and pears. Show them how to cry when pets and people die. Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand. And make the ordinary come alive for them. The extraordinary will take care of itself." 

-William Martin-