Nothing about Halloween

It is Halloween. This post has absolutely nothing to do with wishing Happy Halloweens, what the girls are dressing as, or what our plans are. Sorry for those who love this holiday.

We are 7 weeks into being a family of 5. I am blessed beyond measure and completely overwhelmed. We have not found a "groove" and most days just getting the girls dressed fed, dishes clean, and laundry done is monumental. Showers, errands, cleaning are all bonuses.

Lately I have been feeling a lot of guilt for how things are going. I know all moms feel guilt for one reason or another and I so wish we could all just take a deep breath, pat ourselves on the back and keep at it. Some days the only thing that runs through my head is "just keep swimming." So that is what I do. Some days move us forward and others it is just to keep our head above water.

Things like Halloween only add to the mom guilt for me. Which is ridiculous. My kids have very little expectations of me and are thrilled to be dressing up in their store bought costumes and heading out to trick or treat for the first time in their lives. But I have pinterest. And facebook. And instagram. And so many of the other measures we use to judge where we fall in comparison. Back when Hazel was a newborn and slept 23.5 hours of the day I had planned to have a small party at our house after trick or treating. But I am not. And I feel guilty. For a party that was never even a real plan but an idea that I "should" have something. Hormones be damned.

I am definitely being taught some hard lessons as a new mom to 3, all under 4. I am learning the beauty in simplicity. I am being reminded I am so not in control. I am learning not to compare myself to anyone because everyone's situation is different. I have become a homebody with 2 kids who love it and 1 who asks every morning where are we going that day.

So, today, Halloween, I want to encourage all the moms. The ones who seem to have it all together, well done. I know how hard holidays are and I hope you feel a sense of accomplishment in getting your kids costumed, to a party, in making crafty snacks, in decorating your house or anything else you managed to pull off while doing the hardest job in the world. Take those pictures and show it off!To the moms who don't have anything together, I am with you. I managed one uncarved pumpkin, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich lunch, and three store bought costumes for Halloween. Take a picture and show it off! At the end of the day, we all will reach for the glass of wine, out of exhaustion for being a supermom or just relief it is over. The kids will have a ball regardless and after all, Christmas is only 55 days away ;)

Hazel Magnolia, One Month Old

It happened just like that. One minute I am holding my newborn baby admiring how tiny every little part of her is. The next, I am rushing three kids out the door to a hearing screening. But wait. In that rush, I took off the newborn gown that all three of my girls wore and is my most favorite thing to snuggle them in. The night before when I dressed Hazel in that gown I knew it would be the last time. I told myself to take a picture in the morning, just like I had with Lucy and Vada. But off it went in the hurried few minutes before jumping in the car.

Hazel Magnolia is one month old. Already. There are pictures, thank God. But this is the first time I have taken? let myself? made myself? sit down and write about her.

She is peace. She is beautiful. She has fulfilled this family in a way I could only dream of. She has restored me in a very broken and damaged place. She smiles, no really, all the time. She loves my horrible voice and falling asleep on her daddy's chest. She lays on my chest as I type this and soothes my weary soul.

Hazel was born on Sunday, September 7 around 7:30pm. She weighed 6 pounds and 12 ounces and measured 19 inches tall. The slow, long, 10+ hour labor was nothing like I had anticipated it being. I thought she would come quickly. Did she prove me wrong. I went from contractions every 5ish minutes from 10am to noon to nothing considerable or regular until 6pm that night. I willed my way and she would not have it. James watched Top Gun on the couch at the birthing center while I walked laps and side squatted stairs to exhaustion. I remember telling the midwife at one point that I came to have a baby, not to exercise. I progressed slowly throughout the afternoon and was offered assistance in the way of breaking my water and homeopathic medication. I finally was getting uncomfortable around 6:30 and asked to get in the whirlpool tub. I finally relaxed and let go of trying to control the situation. That did the trick. One hour later, Hazel was born in the water and placed directly on my chest. I was able to cut her cord, a first for me. We stayed at the birth center until midnight then took our precious third daughter home.

Hazel slept the deepest sleep I have ever witnessed for the first two weeks of her life. It scared the shit out of me. I would have to undress her and stand under the fan to wake her enough to eat. James would play with her lips and she would just tuck them in and keep sleeping. I finally relaxed in the knowledge that she wasn't even due for 15 days from her birthday and if she was still inside then she would likely be doing the same thing. At her 2 week check up she weighed over 8 pounds so I knew she was at least growing.

Hazel still sleeps beautifully at night. We wake up twice to nurse. She usually has a few hours of wakefulness in the morning then passes out in the early afternoon for a long nap stretch, waking for a couple of hours before bed. When she is awake, as long as she is held, she is content.

Lucy and Vada are completely in love with her. They argue over holding her, remark at her tiny toes and fingers, and shower her with kisses all hours of the day. Lucy told me she missed Hazel when she was in my belly and sings "Here Comes the Sun" when she holds her. She calls herself "the big, big sister." Vada likes to tell me every time she starts to fuss and always says "I kiss the baby." She pronounces her name like Hasewl and it melts my heart. They have absolutely no concept of personal space, especially when she nurses.

We are far from in a groove but we are over the moon happy. The days are chaotic, messy, noisy, and beautiful and I will miss them when this season ends.

"There are moments that I know I will long for, even as I live them."

 

 

 

*Photos by dKin photography... thanks Ashley!