The missing one

This post is going to be brutally honest, and open, and it is going to hurt, both to write and to read. For some reason I am in a place of reflection, of looking back, of bringing up memories. I am flipping through old pictures of my babies and rereading blog posts and letting myself go back to other days. And while it's beautiful, it's innocence is alarming to me now. Maybe Lucy's fourth birthday on Sunday is the reason for the place I am in. But I am going to open it up and leave it here because it's haunting my present.



Someone is missing from my family. My brother. It will be 5 years this July. It doesn't "get better". I never understood how or why people say that. How can losing a brother ever "get better." He is gone and we are all still here. But there are more of us now. There are 3 nieces and a nephew that won't know Uncle Brady. They will know who he is, and what he looks like. But they will never hear his laugh, or feel first hand the pride he had in our family. They won't get a big bear hug every time they see him like we did. They'll never have a telephone call answered with "Home of the whopper. What's your beef?" Or hear him talk about how hooked on phonics worked for him. They won't get to ask him what all of his tattoos said or why he never worried about how they would look when he got old. I can't even think about it for his children. His son is 11 and his daughter 7.

There is a song by the Black Keys that Jameson warned me about after he died. It's called unknown brother.

Though I've never met you

And we've spoke not a word

I'll never forget you

Through the stories that I've heard

For you, unknown brother

My baby's mother's in pain

'Cause your soul is in heaven

But your memory remains

Unknown, unknown brother

I'll meet you someday

Unknown, unknown brother

We'll walk through fields where children play

Your eyes shined bright

When you were a kid

Your sisters loved you

And all that you did

Big brother, big brother

Don't worry a bit

Your flame has not faded

Since the day it was lit

Your life was joy

You're mama's only boy

And when the skies are blue

Big brother they're blue for you

We'll smile at pictures

Of you as a boy

Before you retire

To heavenly joy

Unknown, unknown brother

I'll meet you someday

Unknown, unknown brother

We'll walk through fields where children play

So while looking back, I found this photo. Every other time I have seen it, I just remember what happened to break the bouncing bench and how we all laughed. Until this last time. I know this particular moment was just when the photographer happened to hear the crack and turn around to snap. But it's so much more than that. You can't see his face, just know that he was there. All you can see of him, is him walking away, drink in hand. He left his mark, literally. But the rest of us remain. With a smile, and a laugh, and a "can you believe that happened!"