To Lucille on your 4th Birthday

My favorite pictures of you at 3

My lovely Lucille. You, my darling, are incredible. You are wise beyond your years, funny beyond your understanding, and beautiful beyond comparison. You will, and do, run the world. You forget nothing and remember every detail of any experience or any promise someone has made to you. You never stop talking and often can't get the words out as quickly as you are thinking them. While engaged in one thing you are thinking of a million others, as well as what everyone else should be doing. You are a classic first child and will always be a wonderful leader and example to your younger sisters.

So, for your birthday this year we had a bowling party. You had the hardest time deciding to do that or have a party at home, all because of a hang-up over a unicorn pinata. You could not be convinced that Mama and Daddy would take care of all your wishes because you were not involved in the planning of every.single. detail. You requested roasted lamb with garlic and rosemary as well as braised kale for your dinner. And you made us sing you Happy Birthday twice at breakfast, once for each serving of popover, and twice at your party, once for cake and again for ice cream. All you wanted was legos. And, of course, you got your unicorn pinata.

You had a lot of turmoil about turning four. For months leading up to your birthday you had been anticipating the things you would do once you were four; get your ears pierced, wipe your own bum, etc. As the day drew closer you got more and more anxious and we had to assure you that nothing had to change. The pressure you put on yourself is more than anyone could ever put upon you. You strive for excellence, which is why you often lose your temper, much like your father. I guess it will be our job to encourage without pushing, and to help you relax and accept help along the way.

You told me the other day that when you get older you want to work for Hospice, like Duck does, so you can help people. I have no doubt my dear.

Right now, you have a hard time doing anything without Vada. You are each others best friend and worst enemy. So you BOTH will start school in the fall. Anytime anyone asks you about it, you make sure to clarify that you will be on one side of the building but Vada will be on the other. She is your confidence and pushes you to do things that normally make you uncomfortable. But you are brave my love, so brave. I know school scares you. It scares Mama too. We have spent every day together since you were born. But the truth is, you deserve more. You deserve to learn as much as you can take in, but that Mama can't keep up with. You deserve to make friends. You deserve to be a leader and to teach as you learn. You teach me how to be better every day.

I didn't cry on your birthday this year. You are unlike any other child of any age I know so you turning 4 didn't cause much heartache. But then, I thought about all the time that you and I spent in that white rocking chair. And how every single day since the day you were born, you and I rocked in it at least twice a day at nap and bedtime. And how I don't even remember our last rock. It was the everyday act that I never took for granted. And it's over. Yes, it got a little awkward towards the end, attempting to wrap your spindley legs around me somehow, your head almost in my chin. We rocked both your sisters as they grew in my belly with us. We rocked through late nights, early mornings, sickness, apologies on both sides, and endless discussions about 2-4 year old life. I need to do a better job at creating these moments again. As you get older and understand more and more I know the questions will get more and more difficult, the apologies even bigger. But I never want to lose those opportunities. One of the things that weighs heaviest on my mind as I think about you 3 getting older is how to remain necessary. Not in a clingy sense of the word, but in a way where you will always need your mom.

Being your mother has been the most emotionally and mentally challenging thing I have yet to encounter. You do not let me rest, and you do not let me settle. I am a better woman for what you have done to me. I make so many mistakes and unfortunately you will bear the heaviest consequences of those mistakes as you are the oldest. But it means you will learn the most forgiveness. I will face things for the first time with you, for the rest of our lives.

Keep pushing me my love. I will try to keep up.

All my love,
Mama

Your first picture at 4