The missing one

This post is going to be brutally honest, and open, and it is going to hurt, both to write and to read. For some reason I am in a place of reflection, of looking back, of bringing up memories. I am flipping through old pictures of my babies and rereading blog posts and letting myself go back to other days. And while it's beautiful, it's innocence is alarming to me now. Maybe Lucy's fourth birthday on Sunday is the reason for the place I am in. But I am going to open it up and leave it here because it's haunting my present.



Someone is missing from my family. My brother. It will be 5 years this July. It doesn't "get better". I never understood how or why people say that. How can losing a brother ever "get better." He is gone and we are all still here. But there are more of us now. There are 3 nieces and a nephew that won't know Uncle Brady. They will know who he is, and what he looks like. But they will never hear his laugh, or feel first hand the pride he had in our family. They won't get a big bear hug every time they see him like we did. They'll never have a telephone call answered with "Home of the whopper. What's your beef?" Or hear him talk about how hooked on phonics worked for him. They won't get to ask him what all of his tattoos said or why he never worried about how they would look when he got old. I can't even think about it for his children. His son is 11 and his daughter 7.

There is a song by the Black Keys that Jameson warned me about after he died. It's called unknown brother.

Though I've never met you

And we've spoke not a word

I'll never forget you

Through the stories that I've heard

For you, unknown brother

My baby's mother's in pain

'Cause your soul is in heaven

But your memory remains

Unknown, unknown brother

I'll meet you someday

Unknown, unknown brother

We'll walk through fields where children play

Your eyes shined bright

When you were a kid

Your sisters loved you

And all that you did

Big brother, big brother

Don't worry a bit

Your flame has not faded

Since the day it was lit

Your life was joy

You're mama's only boy

And when the skies are blue

Big brother they're blue for you

We'll smile at pictures

Of you as a boy

Before you retire

To heavenly joy

Unknown, unknown brother

I'll meet you someday

Unknown, unknown brother

We'll walk through fields where children play

So while looking back, I found this photo. Every other time I have seen it, I just remember what happened to break the bouncing bench and how we all laughed. Until this last time. I know this particular moment was just when the photographer happened to hear the crack and turn around to snap. But it's so much more than that. You can't see his face, just know that he was there. All you can see of him, is him walking away, drink in hand. He left his mark, literally. But the rest of us remain. With a smile, and a laugh, and a "can you believe that happened!" 

To Lucille on your 4th Birthday

My favorite pictures of you at 3

My lovely Lucille. You, my darling, are incredible. You are wise beyond your years, funny beyond your understanding, and beautiful beyond comparison. You will, and do, run the world. You forget nothing and remember every detail of any experience or any promise someone has made to you. You never stop talking and often can't get the words out as quickly as you are thinking them. While engaged in one thing you are thinking of a million others, as well as what everyone else should be doing. You are a classic first child and will always be a wonderful leader and example to your younger sisters.

So, for your birthday this year we had a bowling party. You had the hardest time deciding to do that or have a party at home, all because of a hang-up over a unicorn pinata. You could not be convinced that Mama and Daddy would take care of all your wishes because you were not involved in the planning of every.single. detail. You requested roasted lamb with garlic and rosemary as well as braised kale for your dinner. And you made us sing you Happy Birthday twice at breakfast, once for each serving of popover, and twice at your party, once for cake and again for ice cream. All you wanted was legos. And, of course, you got your unicorn pinata.

You had a lot of turmoil about turning four. For months leading up to your birthday you had been anticipating the things you would do once you were four; get your ears pierced, wipe your own bum, etc. As the day drew closer you got more and more anxious and we had to assure you that nothing had to change. The pressure you put on yourself is more than anyone could ever put upon you. You strive for excellence, which is why you often lose your temper, much like your father. I guess it will be our job to encourage without pushing, and to help you relax and accept help along the way.

You told me the other day that when you get older you want to work for Hospice, like Duck does, so you can help people. I have no doubt my dear.

Right now, you have a hard time doing anything without Vada. You are each others best friend and worst enemy. So you BOTH will start school in the fall. Anytime anyone asks you about it, you make sure to clarify that you will be on one side of the building but Vada will be on the other. She is your confidence and pushes you to do things that normally make you uncomfortable. But you are brave my love, so brave. I know school scares you. It scares Mama too. We have spent every day together since you were born. But the truth is, you deserve more. You deserve to learn as much as you can take in, but that Mama can't keep up with. You deserve to make friends. You deserve to be a leader and to teach as you learn. You teach me how to be better every day.

I didn't cry on your birthday this year. You are unlike any other child of any age I know so you turning 4 didn't cause much heartache. But then, I thought about all the time that you and I spent in that white rocking chair. And how every single day since the day you were born, you and I rocked in it at least twice a day at nap and bedtime. And how I don't even remember our last rock. It was the everyday act that I never took for granted. And it's over. Yes, it got a little awkward towards the end, attempting to wrap your spindley legs around me somehow, your head almost in my chin. We rocked both your sisters as they grew in my belly with us. We rocked through late nights, early mornings, sickness, apologies on both sides, and endless discussions about 2-4 year old life. I need to do a better job at creating these moments again. As you get older and understand more and more I know the questions will get more and more difficult, the apologies even bigger. But I never want to lose those opportunities. One of the things that weighs heaviest on my mind as I think about you 3 getting older is how to remain necessary. Not in a clingy sense of the word, but in a way where you will always need your mom.

Being your mother has been the most emotionally and mentally challenging thing I have yet to encounter. You do not let me rest, and you do not let me settle. I am a better woman for what you have done to me. I make so many mistakes and unfortunately you will bear the heaviest consequences of those mistakes as you are the oldest. But it means you will learn the most forgiveness. I will face things for the first time with you, for the rest of our lives.

Keep pushing me my love. I will try to keep up.

All my love,
Mama

Your first picture at 4

Half of nothing

Hazel turned 6 months old this past weekend. Getting past that sentence to write an actual post about her has taken days. This child has me captivated. I am anxious and nostalgic. She makes me want a thousand more babies just like her and not even one more because she is my baby.

Six months is big. It is as if everything is just coasting along with a "new" baby in the family and within a week I am planning her baptism, swapping out car seats, buying bibs and sippy cups, catching her from falling backwards when she sits up, and trying to make her as comfortable as possible while teething. Wait, hold up, weren't you just in newborn clothing a week ago? Now I have three kids who need food?

Much to my dismay, Miss Hazel is super interested in food. It started with the occasional lip smacking during our meals but turned into straight obsession when she started following the food from our plate to our mouths. So, last night she got roasted sweet potato. And she loved it. Her smile spread from ear to ear as she saw her sisters watching her do what they were doing. And then my heart just shattered on the floor. And I immediately nursed her.

But the truth is, she wants in. She wants to be eating and moving and laughing and rolling around with her sisters. When I hold her she lunges forward towards them. She sleeps through the night and sometimes just wants to be laid down to stretch out by herself. She sits up and looks out the window in the car. She is reaching for EVERYTHING! I no longer have to worry about leaving her with her dad for two hours since they discovered Cheers! together. Evidently, when I am gone, all it takes is the theme song to send her to lala land and I come home to her passed out on her daddy. She is killing me gently.

Hazel Magnolia, I don't know what you have done to your mother but I am entranced. I will do my best to help you learn and grow and blossom while simultaneously choking back tears. You have been nothing but pure joy since your first day here and all of your family is completely in love. You make everyone around you smile and just feel good. You are sunshine my love.

Ordinary

      More snow is expected tonight, meaning yet another snow day tomorrow. I am not a fan of winter in the least and certainly not a fan of weather this cold for this long. Yes, it is easy to get down being overwhelmed and exhausted in single digit weather with double digit snow predictions. But while I was contemplating another day of being housebound with 3 children, a new perspective presented itself. Honestly, the snow doesn't change much for us. We are in this amazing stage of our family's life where we get to decide how every moment of every day is spent. Obviously Jameson has work, but the demands of a working mom, school, sports and other obligations have not yet been introduced to our little family. And while some days it would be nice to have something on the calendar, truthfully we are all pretty content with this season of calm. I have never been one to want to be home all the time. I like going out and being out. Even after Lucy and Vada, I would try to get us out of the house every day. But that has completely changed since having Hazel. I don't know if its the work of getting three little girls and myself fed, dressed and out the door or the sense of peace I now feel with where our family is. The girls don't seem to mind either. This morning I got all of us showered/ bathed and told them to go pick out clothes so we could head to the library. I walked in their room to find them dressed in fresh pajamas asking to just stay home. So, we did.

Some days I wake up wondering how to fill an entire day of nothing planned. I get exhausted from the amount of effort it takes, both mentally and physically, to keep up with these little ladies. Thinking of 3 meals plus snacks, a new way of working on letters and numbers, crafts, activities, and then the resulting clean up. I am mom, teacher, artist, cook, maid, clown, nurse, stylist, coach and referee. But not forever. This will be the only time in our life that three kids are all still home full time with me. Lucy and Vada are enrolled in preschool for the fall and our whole world will shift. Our days will be mapped out for us and soon revolve around drop off and pick up. How will we feel then? Will we miss these days? The days of snuggling in pajamas, making anything we want for breakfast no matter how time consuming, and just being home. The days of anytime-at-all baths, dance parties, book reading, block building, hot gluing, pedicures, and cookie baking.

A quote that I read a while ago has been on the forefront of my mind daily during this winter lull. "I love that you keep getting up to the same routine every day and somehow manage to make it a different memory by each night." My girls won't remember this time. They will see it in the millions of photos I have of them in pajamas, snuggling each other in the early morning. They will hear about it when they have their own babies and wonder how they can face another day of being a full time home mom, if they choose to do so. Most importantly, I hope they feel it. I hope these slow, lazy days have taught them the beauty of being content in everyday life. That everyday may not be exciting and adventurous but that it is ok. I hope the bond that they have formed being together every minute of every day as babies and toddlers carries them through their teenage rifts. I hope they know without a doubt  how deeply I felt I was exactly where I wanted to be, doing exactly what I wanted to do, and the sacrifices their daddy made in making it happen. That, evidently, in choosing to be a stay at home mom, I was choosing the magic of the ordinary.

"Do not ask your children to strive for extraordinary lives. Such striving may seem admirable, but it is the way of foolishness. Help them instead to find the wonder and the marvel of an ordinary life. Show them the joy of tasting tomatoes, apples, and pears. Show them how to cry when pets and people die. Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand. And make the ordinary come alive for them. The extraordinary will take care of itself." 

-William Martin-

Hazel at 4 Months = One sappy Mama

  Our sweet angel baby is 4 months old. She is the happiest, smileyest baby I ever did see. Taking her pictures this month she refused to smile anytime I picked up the camera of course. She is content but prefers being held, by anyone though. She goes through spurts of needing her mama and decided just last week that she wouldn't be needing naps, despite self inflicted 10pm bedtimes. She fought off a nasty cold/cough with snuggles, sleep, and lots of nursing but ugh did it break my heart to see her like that. She has shown signs of eczema lately but with a regular routine of burts bees lotion it seems to be under control. She likes to be held for naps, but in her own crib at night. She was doing 7 hour sleep stretches but in the last week has started waking up twice to nurse. She is in 9-12 month sleepers.

  Hazel has started squealing and talking a lot lately, and LAUGHING! She loves to watch her sisters do silly things and has started contributing to the madness with fake coughs. She doesn't get to spend much time on her tummy, or the floor at all, with two big sisters there to always roll her over or be so close she can't move. She likes to sit in the bumbo when I am cooking so we can listen to music together. When I am busy running around she is happiest in the walker pretending to drive. And she LOVES the tv. Lately she has been gnawing on her hands, or our fingers, any chance she gets and soaking through her shirts with drool. Her sisters were both over 6 months before they got any teeth but she is certainly showing the signs. She also found her thumb which, in addition to being freaking adorable, helps with the self soothing when the nook just doesn't cut it.

OK and now for the sappy mom stuff...

I already miss this baby stage. I miss her yesterday self. Each day that passes I want to cry. Every single night I squeeze her tight and smell her baby head for the thousandth time that day and lay just one more kiss on her little temples. The advice they give about enjoying every moment is being taken quite literally. I never want to put her down. Maybe because I see what just two short years can do to a child and I am terrified. It has become even harder for me this time around, instead of the first. I look back at her newborn pictures and while I love seeing her personality shine and her start to interact with her sisters, I already miss her. What more can a mom do to savor their babies? The quote I found when she was just days old plays on my mind on repeat each day. "There are moments I know I will long for, even as I live them." Her soft wisps of hair, her tiny Bugle shaped fingers with dimples at the base, the comfort of laying on my chest are the stuff I live for. I get even less frustrated with her crying and waking up or refusal to take a bottle than I did with the older two. I remember the day she turned 4 months old telling James how hard of a time I was having with it. His response of pointing out that she is a third of a year actually brought tears to my eyes. Needless to say, I am in love with her and I love her. She is my peace when the house and older two are insane and my humor when life gets tough. She is the one I prayed for with all my might and I never want to take a moment for granted that I have with her. Although some days dealing with all three girls makes me rethink my choice to stay home, I would not miss a single day of this madness for all the money in the world.

3 under 4

Every. Single. Day. Anywhere we go. Total strangers. "How do you do it?" "Better you than me" "Oh you're a saint" And my favorite, "I'll pray for you tonight."

Yes, they are all girls. No, they are not twins. Yes, they are all under 4. No, I don't care that we don't have a boy, and neither does my husband. I don't know when/ if we will have another but not right now, and again, no. We are not "trying for a boy."

I understand people are curious and we are quite a spectacle, especially when attention is demanded from a temper tantrum throwing toddler, or two. Sometimes I do feel like I should apologize to people in the grocery store/ library/ Target/ everywhere when someone is not behaving. But, you get to leave! All jokes aside, this is our life. It is one that was built. Not thrown at us like something out of our control. We always wanted at least 3 kids. And, quite honestly, we know how we got ourselves in this situation. I wouldn't change any of it. Yes, there are days when I don't know how I will make it to lunch, let alone bedtime. But I think even moms with one child feel that way some days. When we first brought Hazel home it all seemed manageable. Sure, there was more laundry and sometimes I would have to sit down to nurse or comfort her but she slept all the time. Then two weeks hit, James went back to work, and I was largely outnumbered. I was totally overwhelmed and taking it minute by minute.

Three months later, it's still overwhelming! But we have learned A LOT about not just surviving but thriving as a family of 5. The main lessons I learned were keep it simple and to just go with the flow. I decided to skip Christmas cards this year. The stress of getting a picture of all 3 of them, getting to the post office for stamps, and finding the time to address them all just was not a priority to me. After all, this is how an attempt at a Thanksgiving photo went... Wait, one is missing!

Keep it simple. My house is no where near as clean as I would like, or organized. But if I can get from room to room and know that all it takes is a good 15 minutes to whip it into a presentable state, I have to let it go.

One of the most challenging parts of having 3 kids this young is discipline. It is extremely hard to deal with a temper tantrum, in public, with a baby strapped to your chest and another preschooler holding your hand. Because honestly, you spend enough time getting everyone dressed, in their car seats, and into the store, to call it quits because of bad behavior. Discipline is hard, and there are a million theories of the right way to do it. And every child has their unique needs that require something different of us. My mom gave me a piece of advice I lean on daily lately, as she raised four kids of her own. In choosing when/ how to discipline, decide if it is a heart issue. (She also said that if she had dog s#$% on a plate, one of us would want a bite. Truer words have never been spoken) Heart issues. If one of the girls is doing something to hurt someone else, physically or emotionally, it is going to be dealt with immediately. If they do something out of spite, it's not going to be let go. Not telling the truth is not going to happen. But, if they make a mess or have a spill, I have taught them to just clean it up. Everyone spills and makes a mess sometimes. And when it comes to getting dressed, rain boots are totally acceptable 90% of the time now.

Sleep is another killer. Surprisingly, Hazel is not an issue. That little one can be laid down for nap and will put herself to sleep. She will sleep from 10-5 in her crib at night. Lucy has resolved her sleep issues and will nap and sleep through the night regularly. Vada, however, has different needs. She does not want to be alone in her room to sleep, nap or night. Since August, she has been fighting every nap time and waking up 2-34761346 times a night wanting to come upstairs and sleep in our bedroom. For months we fought it. I would spend 45 minutes trying to get 1 of 3 girls to nap only to have her sleep for 20 minutes, And since I had a nursing newborn, James would be getting up 5-6 times a night to put her back in her room. Then, we gave up. And everyone was happier. She started napping in my bed, and slept for 2 plus hours. She would not wake up screaming anymore and waking the entire household in the process. At night, she learned to very quietly come upstairs, grab a pillow and a blanket and pass out next to the bed. No one else was woken, no trying 37 different attempts at convincing her to stay in bed, and more rest for everyone. Since then, we talked to her about sharing a room with Lucy and if that would make her feel more secure. So, last night we made her a bed in Lucy's room, and she stayed there! She woke up twice. Once to try to climb in bed with Lucy, which is not happening as Lucy made known. And another because she forgot where she was. This morning we moved her bed frame into Lucy's room and hopefully we have resolved the issue. Although, now it's nap time and she wanted to sleep in her tent, so who knows! We're rolling with it. And now we have two playrooms.

The days are long but the years are short. We are working things out and making memories every day. Seeing how close Lucy and Vada have gotten recently makes the 16 month age gap seem like a blessing. And as Hazel starts interacting more with her older sisters, I realize that no matter how stressful this stage in our life is, we have given each of our girls the very best thing we ever could have in each other. Having three girls in 3 and a half years may drive us crazy, but they have each other. So yes, 3, 2 and 3 months is rough. But I have a feeling when 17, 16 and 14 rolls around, we still won't be sleeping.

Hazel at 3 Months

My sweet, chunky ball of smiles is 3 months old. When I was pregnant with Hazel, James and I had hoped and prayed that at least one of our children would be laid back and sleep well. Hazel is our answer to, so many, prayers.

She is always happy. She smiles anytime someone speaks to her or smiles at her. She sits contentedly in her bumbo for extended periods of time and only lets out a small whine when she wants to be held. She is content with anyone who holds her. She sleeps from 10-5, in her crib! I am able to lay her down in one of the girls' beds and she just falls asleep. It is a whole new world for this family! Last night I missed her sleeping with me so I brought her to bed when I laid down. She slept horribly, so I did too.

She has really started talking a lot and makes lots of "ohhhhs" or "mummmms" when she's hungry or sleepy. We are convinced she is days from belly laughing because sometimes she looks like shes going to split wide open her smile is so big. She will squeal when she's excited and sound like she is trying to catch her breath when you tickle her. She is JOY.

She watches us intently and tries to get people's attention when they are near her. She loves the moby, LOVES it. Whether I am grocery shopping, pushing the girls in the swing, baking cookies, or cleaning the house, this little one likes to be on my chest. She has a ball in the bathtub and doesn't mind a shower.

She is growing up too fast and already does not like being laid on her playmat or reclined in her swing. She holds her head up perfectly and is starting to use her hands, most notably when she is nursing.

Her face is changing quickly and I can't decide what color her eyes are going to be. Her hair still looks dark. She has an upper lip like Vada which we cannot figure out where that fullness came from. She hasn't been officially measured since we haven't been to the doctor since she was 2 weeks old, but the kitchen scale is inching close to 18 pounds. She wears 9 month sleepers because she is so tall, ok and because she is chunky :)

She is definitely a Mama's girl at times and I am perfectly fine with it! James tried a bottle one time which didn't go over so well. Some times when she seems fussy all she needs is a snuggle from me and she passes right out.

 I am totally smitten with her and could watch her smile all day. She has reminded me why I love this little baby stage so much and evens give me baby fever, then her sisters wake up and it quickly passes. She has outgrown so many clothes already and even though most of them have now been worn by all 3 of our girls, I cannot help but cry as I pack them away. I suppose I will always have a hard time moving on to the next stage, knowing how quickly they grow into who they are and leaving the days of quiet observation and snuggling behind. If her temperament remains even close to what it is now, we are in for a beautiful little girl.